My ring of power

The sun beat down on South Milwaukee, an oasis between flooded communities, and I tried not to think about sweat stains in my armpits. The wedding would start soon, and I wore my pinstripe suit pants, cleanly pressed shirt and silver tie clip. The day was too young for perspiration.

Two of my college friends tied the knot Saturday. I must admit, I experienced droves of apprehension about their choice of a traditional Catholic wedding.

I walked beneath the sunshine, eyed the stone walls of the church and tryed to suppress the awful tingling sensation of sweat beading on my forehead. I love the heat. But not when I'm being choked by a tie and steam cooked in black pants.

Once inside, I was greeted by pre-service Phantom of the Opera music. Interesting. Especially when I consider the service ended with a bagpipe player (dressed like a true Scotsman) leading the bride and groom out of the church.

I was busy staring at my wife and thinking how attractive she looked all dressed up as a bridesmaid when something the priest said during his sermon tore me from fantasizing. He referenced a study that suggests married people live longer than those who don't marry.

"So, if you want a long life and a slow death, get married," he said.

Hmmm.... what words of encouragement.

It got me thinking. Since getting married I gained weight, watch more TV and eat more ice cream. I doubt that equation would compute into an extended lifespan.

But lets face it, the marriage model conquers the bachelor lifestyle. Before I obtained my ring of power, my routine played out monotonously: Work. Mac'n cheese with chicken nuggets. SimCity 3000. More SimCity 3000. Bathroom. SimCity 3000. Sleep. Repeat.

After 30 years of SimCity, my brain might call it quits.

I left the wedding feeling rather pleased with myself. I made the right choice when I signed my life over to one woman. She's cute in that black dress and sassy part in her curly hair. She's someone to talk with so that I don't have to achieve social interaction by governing a built-from-scratch computer city. And my wedding ring is like my extended warranty on living.

Cool.